Why is science afraid of God?

Why is science afraid of God? This is the question that has been on my mind since I was a little kid. Since middle school I remember being taught the theory of evolution, which was always prefaced with the teacher informing us that they are only teaching a lesson and in no way are they comparing creationism to evolution, or saying that one is right and the other is wrong, it is just a lesson to give you some knowledge. Besides the fact that this is the only true form of education I received, where the students are taught a lesson and then told to think for themselves, the question always entered my mind, why couldn’t both theories be true? As I grew older I inevitably saw more and more “scientists” or science enthusiasts calling anyone who believes in God an idiot for believing in something to which there is no evidence (regardless of the ironic fact that there is mounting evidence for evolution, not conclusive evidence for evolution). But why? Some of the greatest scientists in history, the ones that changed the field forever, Tesla, Einstein, knew that there was something else, something deeper and bigger than science has yet conceived. Einstein even said, the more he learns about science, the more he believes in God. So why does science fear God so? It isn’t because of the lack of evidence that there is a God or angels or any ethereal spirits/beings, past lives, or anything else that has come up throughout history that has the marking of something that requires faith. Perhaps the question shouldn’t be why is science afraid of God but why does science ignore God? Why has science always said that God doesn’t exist and made no attempt to prove or disprove their statement. God is the one subject where science wants no part in exploring, which at it’s core goes against the entirety of science’s being. Science is supposed to figure out that which cannot be outwardly explained, to look deeper into the questions that plague humanity and find the truth. So why is it that science is so fearful of God, explaining God or searching for signs of God? Because science is naïve. If science looks for God it immediately admits it was wrong, which any human entity has the hardest time doing for some weird reason (only when you know what is wrong do you know what is absolute truth), and the consensus of primarily atheist scientists have to give serious credence to rearranging their views and beliefs.
Now just by writing this a science enthusiast will get all bent out of shape, take it personally and tell me that I should thank science for all that its done and not question its motives, which again goes against everything that science is. You’re supposed to question motives in science, that’s its fucking purpose, its entire reason for being. So for science to just turn a blind eye to anything God related just because the mass of scientists do not believe in God seems to me to be more about personal issues than the truth, not to mention seems to really be hindering science in making some astounding discoveries. Imagine for a moment science gave credence to God and began to explore the possibilities surrounding this belief (I will state here to make it clear, I’m saying believing in God not religion, for those who do not know the difference or didn’t know there was a difference I highly suggest in educating yourself more about the world in which you live) and discover how to manipulate energy rather than manipulating matter for energy, or that our DNA isn’t 90% junk and that there is a deeper purpose for all the we are. The possibilities are truly endless.
I hope one day mankind loses this sense of, I don’t even know what, entitlement? Ego? Whatever it is that makes us think we’re infallible creatures or smarter than we really are. We are young as a species and we have much to learn, I just hope that we learn some humility and realize that we don’t know jack shit.

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There comes a time, seemingly in every week, where nostalgia overtakes the mind and one settles down to watch a short of what their life has created thus far. I remember thinking about the past in more of a longing than a reflection. When my mind would settle on the times I’ve had and wish with all my might that I could go back to those times when everything seemed simpler, easier, and overall more enjoyable. Perhaps its the toils of growing up that give us this impression that life only gets harder as you get older and that the good times will tend to only be memories, fading images in your mind of the times that you once took for granted. Yet now I think back on events, people that I once knew much better than I do now, friends that I once had but now hardly acknowledge and I find myself being joyful rather than having a longing in my heart. I realize now how every moment defines who you are and every moment that you share with people defines who they are as well. I think back to the times I’ve had, the people I’ve known, the lips I’ve kissed, the hugs I’ve given, the music I’ve played, the life I’ve lived and I long no longer for what I can never regain. There is nothing like a happy memory except knowing that you will one day make another that will perhaps trump any memory since. There is nothing like hearing something about an old friend or an old fling and knowing that they’re doing alright and that some part of you is still with them just like they’re still with you. I guess it’s reassuring to know that by being present in someones nostalgic flashback that in a way you’ll live so long as they do. I remember a line that said that we die twice, once when our body dies and then again when the last person who remembers our name dies too. It makes me enjoy these memories more, knowing that I’m keeping those friends and loved ones alive, that their memories, no matter how they exited my life, are safe and secure, that they’ll never die so long as I have a breath left in my body. Life isn’t about making memories, its about experiencing the event that created those memories. So as today passes into tomorrow, I’m gratful that yesterday existed. I’m grateful that I did my best to prolong my life, tucked away in someones head, even if I just come alive once in a while, even as a whats-his-name. You make a memory you live forever.

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It’s been a while since I’ve written for the masses.  Not that the masses have been reading what I write but from the masses comes individuals and individuals, when truly seeking something, find it when they’re ready.  My words aren’t intended to be anything other than what they are, different combinations of 26 different letters with one intention, to convey a message.  Lately, I’ve lost sight of what kind of message I’m trying to send.  You see, it’s easy to get mixed up in the problems of today’s world and forget what the point of all this is.  We see the horror’s of society and look for answers and when those answers don’t come we tend to make them up ourselves based off fragments of information that seem to confirm what we think to be the truth; affirmation bias.  Whether we believe what we’re told or what we uncover we don’t realize that we’re not seeking truth. We’re seeking a remedy.  We want our questions to be answered by any means necessary and have a very difficult time accepting anything that goes against what we’re hoping to find.  Oddly enough, despite all of our searching and yearning for confirmation we miss the most important truth of all.  That there is no truth.  All the problems of today have no answers as to why they are because there is no answer.  We can’t point a finger at one single instance and say, “look that’s it, that’s what’s causing this problem” because there is no single cause for what ails us. 

I’ve spent a good part of my days trying to figure out what’s going on with our world and our government and the tragedies that surround us.  I’ve found myself partial to what most would call a conspiracy theory all simply because deliberately unanswered questions tend to reveal more than answered ones.  But then I asked myself, what’s the point.  What’s the point to believing and trying to get others to believe that the biggest threat to our society isn’t an individual or a group of individuals but rather the entity that controls it all.  Does it make any difference to try to show people that arguing for peace while supporting government intervention is a waste of time and resources?  Does it matter that the single biggest threat to government is peace?  The answer is no. It doesn’t matter.  I’m tired of looking for the shadows during a sunny day. I don’t want to fight for truth anymore.  I don’t want to fight. 

Have you ever witnessed something so beautiful that it leaves you in awe?  I mean actual, slack jawed, unblinking, blank expression awe. It’s a rare thing for some. It’s every day for others.  I’ve decided to stop acting like the last truth seeker, always getting enveloped in some theory about how there is a war for our liberty.  Whatever my beliefs may be about the world and the intentions of sullied persons will remain mine. They will reside in me and die with me. Instead, I will dedicate my words to that of inspirational truths.  Truth’s that will not cause people to see others in an evil light but rather see the light that is in others. The light that shines through every one of us, the light that shines through every beautiful thing this physical world has to offer.  If I’m going to change the world one word at a time they’re going to be words powered with absolute truth, that is, truth that extends beyond the limits of our finite lives to the infinite.  Darkness cannot survive in light so if there is to be a reconstruction of the world we live it has to be in the same name of that which we want to see reality.  This world we live in is a test for each and every one of us.  The existence of evil is proof of this.  Without evil there would be no choice.  Without choice there would be no free will. And without free will you wouldn’t be tested every day to choose they easy way of dissent or the more difficult path of peace and absolute truth.  Its tough being the voice of reason.  The sole voice asking for mercy among the masses screaming for blood.  Especially in today’s world, where hate, greed, corruption, bigotry, etc not only exist but thrives, it’s our duty as children of light to be the lover, the peaceful agent, the friend, the Samaritan, etc.  At the end of the day, to paraphrase wise words, we must be the change that we want to see in the world.  There is no one else that is going to do it for us. 

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The Pig Roast

Every year one of my fathers co workers has a pig roast.  You start cooking the pig almost 24 hours before and hope that your timing is perfect and your guests are pleased; alcohol surpasses “a must have” and becomes “the reason for”.  I don’t typically go but this year my father personally asked me to come so that his coworkers can see me.  I guess after 15 years enough time has passed for a reappearance to become a reunion.  Anyway, the food was good, the conversation was decent and the beer was free so all in all it was a pretty good time.

As I was leaving the party two young girls, daughters of the partiers, scooted by on scooters and headed out towards the road and in the general direction that I was going.

Maybe 12 year old girls think, let’s scooter down a hill in a swim suit and flip flops…

Me (24 years old) thinks, fuck this isn’t going to end well… and it didn’t.

Girl number one sways a little bit during her descent but manages to stay in control.

Girl number two sways a little bit and doesn’t even try to regain control and crashes on her knee at full speed.

Instantly I’m thinking don’t fucking scream, please god don’t fucking scream… after all the last thing that I want is for people to hear a girl screaming and a I’m standing over her, it just doesn’t look good.  Adult men cannot be close to screaming children if they are not part of their immediate family or if there isn’t a witness.

Luckily, she didn’t start to scream but I could see the panic coming to her eyes and the effort it was taking her not to become hysterical. For a second I realized, whether she did or not, that we were both trying to keep the other one calm. When I asked her if she was okay and she said no she also started to stand up. I looked at her knee and there was a half dollar area on her knee that was lacking any skin at all.  It was a white circle of flesh cut so quickly that it didn’t bleed at all at first.

The two off us started to walk back to the party, I had asked if she needed help standing and she said no, this 12 year old girl had a chunk missing in her leg and she was hauling herself back to the party without any help; color me impressed. I grabbed her scooter and walked beside her and had figured that if she wasn’t going to cry right off the bat, I was going to do whatever I could to keep it that way and the only way I knew how was to keep her mind off what just happened.

“What’s your name?”


“Emily? That’s such a pretty name..” Emily looks down at her gnarled leg and notices that it’s only now starting to leak blood. From experience I know that clean cuts that don’t bleed right away will typically explode shortly after their created and based on her gasp and wine that’s bordering on hysterics I didn’t want that to happen.

“Emily, Emily, look at me. You wanna see something because you’re being so brave I think I can show you. Do you see this scar on my chin?’ She’s paying attention and nods. “Well I got this when I fell off my bike at a party just like you but can I tell you a secret?”

“Yeah.” she says, the fact that she’s answering me helps a lot.  It at least validates that what I am doing is working on some level and that helps me relax and the more I am relaxed and able to convince Emily that she’s okay, the better chance there is of this not getting out of hand.

“Well I was such a big baby, I started to cry and run around and scream and I am so impressed that you’re being so brave right now.”

Finally we reached the party. Now I know, march a kid with a shredded, bleeding leg into the back yard and people freak out, then kids freak out, then shit gets messy.   I saw a bucket next to the fence and flipped it over and told Emily to sit down on it.

“Now Emily, I’m going to go get your mom while you sit right here and continue to be brave. Can you tell me your moms name so I can find her for you?”

Her name is Susan.

Back at the table I knew that my parents were sitting with the hostess, Carly, and if anyone knew a random Susan, mother of Emily, in a crowd of 40-50 people it would be her. “You need to find Emily’s mother, Susan. Tell her that Emily fell and cut her leg pretty badly and she needs to come now.”

“What?” Carly said, half not hearing me half disbelieving what I just said.

“Emily, daughter of Susan, fell and cut her leg badly and you need to find her mother Susan right now and bring her to the driveway.”

Carly looked at me for half a second and realized that I was not bullshitting.  She jumped right up and without a word drifted through the crowds of people looking for Emily’s mother.

I turned around and headed back towards the driveway, one to check on Emily and two because it was time to leave. The longer I hung around the more I’ll probably be interrogated and that shit sucks. I get out to the garage and Emily is surrounded by all the other young kids and they’re all pointing at the injury and talking as if Emily isn’t even there.  The look of horror on this girls face like she was the center act in a circus was enough to keep me there for another 30 seconds.

“Who here is Emily’s brother or sister?”

One girl answers.

“Everyone else go away right now and leave Emily alone or I’m telling your parents you did something bad and you’re going to be grounded.”

One girl remains.

Susan and Carly come out from behind the gate, Susan’s face is like a what the fuck am I being disturbed for..my kids not crying….then she looks at the leg and backyard partier instantly changes to mommy. Out of nowhere the kids I sent away, who disappeared back into whatever fantasy world they were playing in before the accident suddenly reappear like a swarm of locus. In the confusion Susan turns around and looks at me and gives me a look that can only be defined as gratuity. She mouths thank you to me and we walk our separate ways.

In the days since I just wondered how that would have turned out if I wasn’t there.  Questions like this have no answer, only speculation.  Whatever may have come of it I think that it ended better than it started.  Emily didn’t cry, I didn’t get a cautious eye thrown my way, and a little girl shed one less tear on a sunny day in July.

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June 1st. 2011.

Life is so incredibly fragile.  It makes you think what’s the purpose of everything if there is a purpose at all.  One minute we’re here and the next we’re gone.  I had a friend relay a recent death to me.  A mutual acquaintance’s mother was diagnosed with cancer on Monday and died Saturday night.  It makes you wonder why. Why’d it happen so quickly? Why’d it happen at all… Some say that this aspect of life isn’t fair. That death is cruel and untimely; yet we know about it all of our lives.  We know from a fairly early age that we’re going to die yet are so surprised when it comes around.  I think it’s because knowing and understanding are two completely different things.  Knowing you’re going to die is common but to understand that one day you will take your last breath and no longer inhabit the body you’ve been living in for however many years is tough to grasp.  Questions always arise as to what happens when we’re gone, science and faith can tell us two different things but ultimately your energy moves on, both sides can agree on that.  In faith your soul continues on to heaven or hell or you’re reincarnated into something with a higher or lower level of enlightenment. In science your energy (soul?) does what? floats into the ether? goes into the Earth?  Basic scientific knowledge, energy cannot be created nor destroyed so therefore it has to move onto to something.  Science tells us that energy makes up everything in our universe, from the ground we stand on to the dark matter floating around in nothingness.  It’s infinite.  So when we die our energy moves on to the infinite that is all around us.  All energy is unique and has its own signature (if you wanna call it that) that won’t change.  So when we die our unique energy moves on to the infinite energy yet our energy won’t change, it will remain as us forever.

Understanding what happens when we die is impossible unless you can actually go there and come back.  There have been documented cases of people dying and coming back to life and reported seeing bright lights or an overwhelming feeling of euphoria.  Is that our bodies self-defenses protecting us from pain and fear or is it something more?  I also ask, can’t those be one in the same?  Since we don’t fully understand the concept of death, if we were to be on the verge of dying of course we’d be scared shitless. So your body releases neurotransmitters and chemicals of the like to calm you because there really isn’t anything to fear; in the end your essence is going back ‘home’.

Again this is all speculation.  The human brain has an interesting way of making something out of nothing.  It can see a piece of wood and allow the body to carve it into art, it can see something complex and inevitable like death and rationalize it to be something a little less frightening.  It can rationalize that everything happens for a reason, even my friends mom, her death could have happened for a reason.  Maybe someone reads about her death, thinks about how terrible it is and dedicates their life to studying cancer and eventually comes out with a cure.  The bottom line is that there is no way of truly knowing any of this.  Outside our limited line of sight we’re clueless to the truth.  All we have to go on is some kind of faith. We have a hope that what we believe is true and the longer we tell ourselves it is the more we believe it.  Countries were destroyed and wars were waged on faith. It’s a powerful thing.  But perhaps we were given this power to create our own faith and believe it so strongly for a reason.  Maybe because we will never understand the truth we were given a way to compensate for that by believing that in the end, everything will be alright.

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The End is Nigh

From an early age humans know that we’re all going to die.  Someday, early or late in life, we will cease to exist on this Earth and either reach a higher (or lower, depending on your time speant on Earth) plane of existence.  Since the birth of organized religion its been said that a return of (a) God or some astronomical event will spark the mass transit of souls from this plane to another.  Now I know every generation has their scares, their own War of the Worlds broadcast, where people get nervous because someone is convincing enough when saying the end is here.  But is it?  In a few days will Jesus come back, will the pure of heart disappear, will those who remain have seven years to prove that they are worthy enough to enter paradise?  In a year and a half will our world shift, will everyone perish because of an event that hasn’t occured in tens of thousands of years?  I say, does it matter?  Does anyone give a fuck that we’re killing ourselves off? Does anyone care that the men and women we put in place to protect and lead our states and country are stealing, pillaging, and lying to us all?  I think people care that we’re already living in hell but I don’t understand why nothing is changing.  We’re promised change, we’re given lies.  If the end is near there is nothing that can be done, as a whole we’ve lost our fight.  We live in a world without heroes. 
I don’t think that whatever is going to happen will happen immediately. I think its going to take time in order to show us how soft we’ve become, how complacent we are to the very people we chose to lead us.  In the end, whenever that may be, I think we’re lucky to be forced out.  Maybe its a test to see who can stand up for themselves, who can survive and who will roll over and take it.  If there is one thing to learn in life its that if there is anything in this world worth having it sure as shit isn’t going to come easy.  We need to fight.  We fought from simple minded neanderthals to become upright, intelligent beings.  We fought dictators and tyrants.  We fought for freedom. We fought for our right to live. But today, we’re lost.  Today we take it.  We’ve failed ourselves.  Everything we worked for is going to be destroyed because we lost sight of what’s important.  We don’t cherish companionship, country or our commonman.  I don’t think its ever too late to take a stand.  I personally will fight for what I believe in until there is no breath left in me.  But what is one voice in a mass of billions?  Its a start.  This isn’t the time to hope that a slogan will change the world. Its going to take action.  Our forefathers said a little revolution from time to time is a good thing.  Take a fucking stand for yourselves. Someday, I guarantee it, you will run out of time.

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Three Truths

So there I was, Minneapolis MN, eating at the Fridays in the airport after being told I was going to have an overnight 15 hour layover.  Typically I would be pissed but there are just some things you can’t do anything about, so instead of bitching about how the airport can’t do this and they need to give me something for my troubles, I spoke with a ticketing agent and explained the situation, a little charm, a smile, and an upgrade to first class in the morning. Can’t complain about that. But anyway I digress. Back to Fridays, I love the Jack Daniels sauce, and mix that with steak and those mashed potatoes and you’ll have a difficult time talking to me for those 15 minutes it takes to clear my plate.  But at this time a guy was sitting next to me at the bar and started to talk about football.  I joined in the conversation and it evolved into where we were from, why we were where we were and where we were going.  I wish I could picture what he looks like but in my mind I just see a silhouette.  I don’t remember the man but I remember the words.  This guy was talking about his life and this girl that he was in love with.  He said he was off to Texas to find her because he doesn’t want to live another day without her by his side.  “Life is too short”, he said, “to not follow your heart. Love is in the heart”  He didn’t know what he was going to do when he got to Texas and he didn’t think that everything but his soon to be relationship would work out right away.  Was he going to stay in Texas? Find a  job?  He didn’t know nor really cared.  He told me he’s been traveling for the past year, “ya know, just enjoying the scenery”, and that he’s met a lot of interesting people.  And most of them all say the same thing, do what makes you happy.  You may find riches but if you do it just for the money and say fuck the happiness you’ll either die miserable or realize you have nothing.  Of course there are those people who only care about money, they need it, they crave it and if they don’t have enough of it, well lets just say Bernie Madoff and leave it at that.  I’m also not saying money isn’t important, you cannot support yourself or a family on $50 a week but don’t sell your happiness for currency, it’s not worth it.  So this guy leaves the bar and I’m left with my steak and our conversation in my head and wonder if he was thinking about it too.  Does he know that what he told me is still with me today?  I doubt it.  Not because it was insignificant but I think some people either give advice not knowing that what they are saying is having an impact or they give advice because they know its good. They know it will be cherished and they don’t need to remember what was said because they didn’t say it for their own benefit.

16 hours later when I was sitting in first class on my way home to Jersey my riding buddy, an older guy from Minneapolis, began telling me the secret of life that he learned.  He said he used to be a financial advisor for some big firm on Wall St. and had it all, fine cars, luxury housing, traveling expenses, the works, yet he  wasn’t happy with his life.   His marriage failed, his health was on a decline because of the stress from his job, etc. So he quit.  He said fuck it to the 21st Century American Dream and started to teach at whatever University is in or around the Twin Cities.  It was there that he met his current girlfriend who he was going to propose to later that year (which by this time he should be married), his health was better and he actually looked forward to going to work.  His girlfriend was a professor of economics at NYU and he was going to get a position as a finance professor by the next semester.  He told me that he had riches and everything people could want and it did nothing but torture him because his heart was in the wrong place.  I asked him if he was happy now because he had the money to support his dream, after all he was still flying first class.  He said he would give it all up, all the money and knowledge of finances for a job he looked forward to doing every morning and a woman he looked forward to seeing every night.  I’m lucky, he said, because I have the money but life is too short to be working for your death.  You never know when your number is up, it could be years from now or it could be in an hour if this plane were to crash into the Appalachians.  Close your eyes and think about what you would feel if you knew you had a moment left to live.  Would you think about the terror of dying because you have nothing to leave behind and there is nothing outside materials that you cherish? Or would you think about a lover and the way their body felt against yours, the look in their eyes when the two of you spoke of love?  Would you think about your friends and a night you all were together; a night where time stood still and nothing else but freedom mattered?  Would you think about the experiences you haven’t reached yet like watching the sun set over the ocean as you stand on the southern tip of Cape May, seeing the Acropolis in Greece, or floating on a boat off the shore of Baja California as the sun rises to create another perfect day?  Do what you can to bring yourself true happiness and learn what you can to understand the difference between real life and make-believe.

Most recently I met a man named Godfry. He’s a regular at my job who comes in and talks to me about life and maintaining a peace within yourself.  He was born in Guyana and legally immigrated to the USA several years ago to be closer to his sister.  He speaks about a range of things but almost always remarks on the power of a sound mind.  Godfry is the kind of man who has given thousands of dollars away to two or three different people (all of whom he knew) who have claimed to need it and every time they have stiffed him with a payment.  Most people would be up in arms and sue the people he gave the money to for restitution but he always says that people who would take a thousand dollars from a friend and not repay them have bigger issues than money.  It’s devolved human nature to take for your own use and never consider giving back in any way but it’s a higher mind that takes a pebble and repays with a mountain.  One time he asked me if I ever sat inside my mind (meaning meditation) and I said that I have done so in the past but don’t practice meditation all the time.  He said to me that some people would go to jail and lose their minds by the time they came out, he on the other hand would leave jail with a stronger mind then when he went in.  A peaceful mind is a key to happiness because it allows you to see past the anger and pain to the truth.  A peaceful mind lets you see the world for what it is and not just whats on the surface.  He told me that he walks around sometimes and can see people in fancy cars and designer clothing and on the outside they look vibrant and alive but when he sees them, really Sees them, he notices how some of them are empty.  It’s like a shell walking around in someone else’s dream come true.  You’re not tempted by materials when your content with yourself. When you can live within your mind and find the answers or the comfort from life’s problems you may find that life slows down a little. 

I think about the people I’ve met and the stories I’ve heard and try to apply it to my own life.  An author wrote “I’m not original, I’m a combined effort of everyone I’ve ever met,” and it’s true.  Our lives are changed by the people we know and meet and each one may teach us something different that enforces an aspect of our life for better or for worse.  In the end, we’re all going to end up the same way; dead.  So I say this.  If we’re all going to die, we’re all on the same path.  Do you work to live or live to work?  Do you do what everyone tells you to or do you live for yourself?  Will you follow your heart and your dreams or will you work for a check and a nice house?  Whatever you chose remember that it’s not the destination that you should look forward to, it’s the journey.

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The Present

Today was a beautiful day.  It’s still a little chilly but it turned out to be pretty good driving weather.  As I drove to see my girlfriend at work I was thinking about nothing in general and as such trains of thought unravel you sometimes find yourself thinking about past events.  Those moments in our personal history that cause us to time travel backwards and relive them.  It’s nice to take a break from the mundane.  I thought of  a time when I was sitting on a lake’s shore and watched the wind move through the air.  Did you ever notice how the wind blows out over the water and directs the ripples and currents like a dancer taking the lead over their partner?  The wind was blowing from all directions and it made the water appear to be chaotic and random yet there was a steady rhythm to it, like no matter what the wind did or how random it was, there was still structure or a constant flow.  At this time in my life I was in a crazy spot.  I had this going on with that and the other thing and nothing seemed to be working out right.  Work, money, parents, significant others, it was all building up to a giant cluster fuck and I was about to lose my mind.  Now, I have a high tolerance for bullshit and usually do well under stress but this time I was falling a little short on optimism.  I sat on that shore, watched the wind lead and surface follow and realized that even though this scene looked chaotic it wasn’t; everything flowed together.  So I followed in suit.  I decided not to let anything really get to me and just put my head down and press on. Sometimes you need to remember that in the end you’re the only one who should have a say in how you feel. Some things in life just aren’t worth the anxiety or apprehension so just get past it, move on and enjoy what you can. Sit on a beach and see what you can learn.  Watch a field of grass dance and shine in the sun. Take a drive and watch the scene in front of you change with the seconds.  When you’re in traffic, clear your head, turn off the music and just watch the world.  Feel yourself breathe and notice what it’s like to be in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to think about things that made you happy or times when you were carefree but remember that in those memories you were in the present. You weren’t thinking of your significant other’s stupid comment or what you’re going to do next weekend.  You were alive and in that moment, perceiving everything that was happening around you and reacting to it. Had I been sitting on that shore thinking about my problems instead of watching the wind I might not have thought to just let it be. I could’ve gotten so wrapped up in my anger and frustration that I went home and bitched at everyone around me and just created more of a shit storm.  I would’ve missed the point of what was happening right in front of me. Live in those seemingly insignificant moments of your life and see what happens when you’re paying attention.

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The Answer

Have you ever watched the sky burn? It’s something incredible to see what a picture could not do justice.  It might make you wonder what else is out there or give you comfort in knowing that even in the darkest times a sunrise might can take your breath away.

This was the scene as I cruised out into the Pacific Ocean from a small cove at the southern tip of Baja California.  The entire time I remember feeling that if the world could see this scene and appreciate it for what it truly was (meaning more than just a sunset) maybe I wouldn’t be writing this blog… maybe the world would be a friendly place with less hate.  Wishful thinking.  Ying and Yang, good needs evil and vice versa… otherwise there just is and we just are.  So as I was heading out to the Pacific I began to think about how this all began.  How did I start thinking about the world in this way?  When did I start to see a burning sky and not just another sunrise?  When did a sky of red, orange, yellow, purple and blue cause me to feel connected to something greater than anything else?

When I was a freshman in college at SUNY Binghamton I was a lost soul.  I enrolled in business because it seemed like the smartest option, after all if I couldn’t find something that I loved I might have well done something that made me money right?  Nope, it blew.  I didn’t attend class, missed midterms, became best friends with kids who liked to alter their perception and other things of the sort.  It wasn’t until my third semester that things started to turn around.  My first and second semester roommate, Dave, came to live with us in our suite after a mishap with enrollment that left him stranded in Binghamton without classes.  He got a job at a local restaurant and did his best to keep himself afloat and for the time being it worked.  Halfway through the semester I started to lose track of myself.  I was having fun but knew that I was on a self destructive path to nowhere.  I hated how my life revolved around my loss of self control and my feelings of worthlessness.  I wasn’t doing anything with my life and even though I was in college I felt like I made a wrong turn somewhere.  I began to wonder why I was even at this school and realized that it had been my parents that picked it out.  It was the best school that I got into and it would give me the best chance of success upon my graduation.  There was no question in my parents mind that I should have gone there and I didn’t question the idea of getting the upper hand just because of the school that I graduated from. However, you cannot escape a feeling or image of yourself until a better one comes along; no matter how much of an upper hand it will give you. It got to the point where I had planned to leave everything behind and start over somewhere else.  I knew that I wouldn’t find riches or fame but I would be doing my own thing and following my own path.  One night I woke Dave up and asked him about Denver, the place I had decided I would find myself in.  He gave me a brief story of his time there and within the hour we were both asleep.  The next day when I picked him up from work he mentioned he had something he needed to tell me, something that he had never told anyone about because he never knew anyone who needed to hear it.  He told me that the world we live in, the world I was currently in, wasn’t what life really is and definitely isn’t what life’s supposed to be. People define who they are by the things they have and give little thought to their purpose or who they are inside.  Their is so much happiness to be had if you only knew how to achieve it.  I’m being vague so let me explain it in a different way…. We’re all have the power to give ourselves happiness and serenity.  Imagine an endless ocean of light that encompasses all things and is the source of love, knowledge and peace.  It can heal you or give you hope.  It can help you reach goals you never knew possible and can help you answer questions that otherwise couldn’t be answered.  Dave explained that we are blind to the real world because of certain emotions and possessions that we allow to control our lives.  Anger and hate, materials that we consider to be a reflection of ourselves; a sports car we never drive, we just have it because it makes us feel good.  Such things and emotions can keep us from seeing the bigger picture. It keeps you from realizing that the answer to a question you’ve had for a week now was just answered by the guy standing next to you when you’re in line getting a sandwich, or that instead of talking to a loved one you’re screaming because you let your anger get the best of you.  As I sat in the car and listened to Dave speak I felt as if the world just lifted off my shoulders.  I didn’t understand exactly what he was saying but I knew that this was what I needed to hear.  There was such thing as regaining control of your life and not allowing others to manipulate you into someone you’re not.  It is possible to control your emotions and use them in the right way and at the right times.  I’ve learned to manifest feelings of happiness and impart them onto someone who is upset, a stranger who suddenly smiles just because you helped them to.  It’s all a matter of gaining control over yourself and your own energies and using them in different ways. For example, reiki, an ancient form of healing, uses the manipulation of energies to ease pain and suffering.

I haven’t spoken to Dave in some time now but what he showed me as being possible has allowed me to regain my life.  Sure you fall down and devolve every once in a while, that’s normal and shouldn’t be disconcerting, in fact it’s part of the process.  You need to learn how to pick yourself up.  You need not be afraid of failing.  Lose the part of you that identifies with fear or social status.  Just be you.  When you can sit without a single thought going through your head and feel peace inside you’ve won.  Over time, a sunrise will cease to be a sunrise and will become an explosion of energy that paints the spectrum across the sky and you’ll feel it.  The same thing that makes that sunrise is what made you.  It’s a part of you.  We are all connected by something so vast and powerful that once you get a taste of it, you won’t be able to let it go.

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So here it goes

My name is Robby. I feel like that is a sufficient way to begin my blogging life after all a name is who we are, it defines us.  Have you ever thought about that?  The power your name has is incredible.  The first time you meet someone you see their physical appearance, how they carry themselves, whether they look you in the eyes or at the ground, etc.  Immediately following that you hear their name.  My given name is Robert, I prefer to be called Robby, it’s what I was called when I was younger and today the only people who continue to call me Robby are those who are closest to me.  For years following my teens I chose to be called Rob.  I found it to be older and for a skinny kid who used to get picked on maybe it could bring me out of the Droles and into the common man.  I don’t remember exactly when I grew out of my “older” name; when I stopped defining myself as a name who’s only purpose was to fit in and be an equal.  It must have been around the time I realized who I was and what I wanted. That fateful day over four years ago… but I’ll get to that eventually I’m sure. The point is, to this day some still call me Rob, my employees at work, the last of my high school friends and those I don’t know very well, but to those that matter, Robby it is.  You matter.  If you’re taking the time to read what I have to say, listen to my life experiences and possibly learn from them then to you, I am Robby.

My eyes slant down.  My girlfriend says that’s because I’ve experienced a lot of sadness in my life.  This may be true, I’ve experienced my share of loss and letdowns.  But despite the pain and sadness that comes with these events I’ve always remained faithful (I use the word faithful not to express my religious beliefs because I don’t follow a particular religion. I believe in life, living and love for there is an infinite amount of all three around you at all times). To me there is no reason a truly good person should be taken if not for some greater purpose.  It may sound like wishful thinking to some but when you lose a loved one it’s a lot easier to shut out the world, extinguish the faith inside yourself and blame whomever then to hold onto to those perfect moments you had, remember everything you learned and keep your head up knowing without knowing that there was a reason for it.  One of my favorite quotes is “it’s a lot easier to extinguish the light within yourself then to fight the darkness that surrounds you.”  I could have taken each loss as a personal attack from an infinite source that I could never fight back but instead I realized that there is no way in hell that my grandmother, who only loved and lived her life the best she knew how, died without purpose.  She showed me that love is unconditional.  That there is no other purpose for living then to love.  This lesson wasn’t something that I learned immediately.  There was a stretch of close to 13 years where I almost lost myself, times where I almost made the last decision you’ll ever make, times when I was 6 hours from driving off and leaving everything and everyone I ever knew just because I knew I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.  But I didn’t.  Deep down inside me I knew that there was something out there for me.  And so I waited… for a long ass time… and just before my breaking point I was given the answer I had been searching for for years.

The bottom line is life throws a lot of shit at you.  This is a fact you can do nothing about.  There is no point in playing the victim, no point in placing blame (especially on yourself) and no reason to give up.  Life is a series of lessons, both shitty and beyond amazing yet both equally important.  Don’t expect miracles, just appreciate the little things. I don’t know about you but I’d rather have a life time of perfect little 10 second moments than one or two miracles. And for those seeking your miracles, ask yourself this.  Have you ever sung under the moon?  Have you ever stared in awe at a flower dancing in a breeze?  Ever seen a shooting star followed by a strangers smile?  There are no ordinary moments. There is always beauty.

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